Struggling to grow

Struggling to grow - tummy time, self soothing, cries

I recognize at this point that I have been writing a lot about struggling and suffering. It is true that parenting and growth are full of much of this. The joys and love are much greater than any suffering, however. I think the reason I have been talking so much about struggles and suffering is because seeing it both in myself, my wife, and Matteo in this simpler context has helped me to understand suffering in more complex situations as they are ultimately rooted in the same things.

One of the interesting ways in which Matteo struggles is to grow and learn. This is obvious in so many ways. I am sure teething will make this even more evident. Near his four-month birthday, we were exploring smells with him. He enjoys simple and gentle smells, but I remember getting him to smell a richly topped and seasoned pizza (at a reasonable distance) and the complicated nature of the smell (at least it seemed) lead him to cry.

There is also a lot of teaching around self-soothing, letting a child struggle and suffer so that they can create their own methods to self-soothe. Matteo really struggled with tummy time at first. He would not last long and even still there is a point where he is just done with it. Yet I have also noticed that when he is struggling most is when he is closest to crawling and rolling. He has rolled a little and that also scares him as it is too new and strange.

I think there is two really important things to learn. First, as parents or friends, it is important that we safely let one another struggle. It is hard for us. We want to just save people, but in faith as in much of life they have to want to be saved, they have to do at least a little of the work (thank God he does a lot and we can help others too). I remember in elementary school I almost failed grades 1 and 2. I literally had to fight to get my teachers to pass me and then throughout the year I really had to fight to do better. By grade 4, I was asked to join the gifted program (I didn’t want to) and by grade 6, I received an award for an area-wide math score. There is much more to this story, but a big part of it was that I had to persevere and struggle and that brought me ahead.

In faith sometimes we want to provide all of the answers. Sometimes we want to bring people to where we are. Yet what my dad did and what I found the most helpful in leading youth group and Bible study is to help people get to the answers themselves. That is an important process and will help not just their confidence, but their faith and learning later. Whenever I asked a faith question of my dad, he would ask, what do I think? Then he would tell me some relevant ideas, maybe even give me some ways of thinking about it and then he would ask me again, and ask me if I wanted to know his thinking. He was helping me to do the work, even if he gave me the material to do it. It is not letting someone go to the struggle, it is helping them to struggle well.

Second, we have to learn how to struggle well. We can’t just beat at the air, saying “Why me?” We have to ask, “where is this struggle pointing me?” “How can I struggle in a way that helps me and others?” I won’t pretend that all struggle is directly about growth, but I think it can lead that way. When I was a child and struggled with injuries, hospital stays, a speach impediment, dislexia and social awkwardness that wasn’t about growth, but somehow both consciously and through the help of others it became that way. We do also struggle just to grow though and that is really important. The things that are easy and simple don’t often lead to growth. Us sitting in front of TVs or only ever addressing the surface level of a challenge, issue, hope, idea etc. doesn’t usually lead to really meaningful growth.

Again, it is similar in our faith life. Sometimes we can really enjoy the struggle. Like when I was in seminary at Wycliffe and was gaining language and breadth to my understanding. Or when I was diligent in prayer and a new question or challenge would arrive. But sometimes we don’t enjoy the struggle. Like when we don’t know a way forward. Or when there is a lot of fear built around something, a lack of time or energy. Whatever the case, these are important struggles that we must be open to God’s guidance in. We must be willing to dig into these struggles, be diligent and look for how God and others can help us to grow.